Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
