I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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