i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
