I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize