there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
sarcasm needs its own font
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize