why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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