I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
