That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I fill condoms, not promises.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
