This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
