i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
