i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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