I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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