i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
