you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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