why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
