i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
