Soap is not a condiment
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
