I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
