allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
