he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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