Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize