I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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