oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
