i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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