why didn't you poke me back
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
