This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
