You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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