Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
