I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
