I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
