I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
