Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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