She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize