Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
