my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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