It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
