you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize