Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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