i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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