if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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