So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
