Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
