So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
