It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
