I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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