Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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