How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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