i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
