Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
