Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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