These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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