Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
