my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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