If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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