im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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