My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize