totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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