I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
