Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
