Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
