who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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